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deathsdoorstep god. I have never been more confused in my entire life.

Like, I know I wasn't supposed to jump to conclusions, because that could lead to my current depressed situation, and at one point i really did believe he didnt like me, but i kept seeing all these signs that meant he was interested that spurred me on. Maybe it was recently that he decided i wasn't worth it, and THATS why he didn't bother to speak to me these past two days. Apparently i was making too much noise for him in the hallway and he closed the door to his classroom. Maybe it was then that he thought "shit, that Maria sure is annoying. What was i thinking?"

Or, maybe there's some warped explination as to why i didnt see hind nor hair of him for two days straight. Maybe he was so tired on thursday that he didn't even THINK of me, or that he only had one more day left to make the day for our date, and went straight home and to sleep. Maybe today, instead of trying to find me to talk to me, he accidently fell asleep at home when he went there to.....i have no idea. Get more pencils?

Or maybe he was avoiding me, because he actually had no interest in me and KNEW that there were only two days left of school and that i would bring our date up again for sure because time was running out.

I don't know. I'm so confused. I just know that im pretty sure we're doomed. I just know that im incredibly, stomach churningly dissappointed. I just know that i wish he'd been straight me with me in the beginning, instead of making me suffer. Because i honestly liked this guy from the first friggen time i saw him around 4 months ago. and i know that it took a lot of guts for me to ask him out to coffee. and i know that it took an insane amount of guts for me to ask him out to dinner. And i know that it would have saved me a shitload of headaches if he'd just said "uhm...i wouldn't mind going out to dinner with you, but, i'd just like to let you know that it would only be as friends" or "i'm sorry, im really not interested." instead of "well, im really busy right now, but after all the school works done...yah, sure." I can handle rejection!! its very final and simple and easy to swallow. THIS is horrible!! This is me sitting at home going "WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED??"

I think i want to punch him. there is absolutely no explination worthy enough.

Well...i'm giving him two days to email me, because i left my email with the jackass. if he doesnt email me in two days, fuck him. i just wish men weren't such fucking pussies. i just wish the 1% of the male population that i find attractive werent such morons.

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....he....always hangs out with a gay guy...


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